A strange thing happened this morning. I sat at my desk and found I wasn’t afraid.
Not in the slightest bit.
Two years ago, I was afraid of everything, or so it seemed. Now I’m wondering when it slipped away.
Fear has been my excuse.
This morning, with that absence of fear, I found I sort of missed it. Even as it has held me back, the fear has kept me safe in its own small way. I realised how long my fear had been a crutch, an excuse, something to hide behind when I didn’t get things done.
Today, I might feel frustrated; shy perhaps; impatient, self-conscious; sometimes embarrassed, but not afraid. It’s a strange sensation – this feeling of no-fear.
I sit in a bubble of solidity, awareness, wholeness. I just can’t help feeling that everything is going as it should. I know the steps I need to take and right now I’m ready to take them. Even as I tell myself that it’s only fear that holds me back, I realise I don’t have that now. Fear breeds habits such as avoidance or distraction – habits which continue after the fear has gone away – but the excuses are gone.
Fear keeps you small, but keeps you safe. Without fear, you have to stand in your truth and be the best you can be. There are no more reasons why not.
Fear, where are you now?
This feeling may not last. Just last week I remembered what it felt like to be small and confused (even then I had almost forgotten.) Almost like I needed to remember – to understand, complete a cycle – circumstances put me back where I’d once been. Feeling under pressure to make more money, to drop my dream in favour of the meagre pickings immediately available, feeling frustrated and bound by circumstances outside of my control, I was afraid.
But I realised this, too, was what I needed. I understood that the fear was a habit, that I just had to wait out the storm. This time, I rediscovered my Self and carried on.
Each time it is quicker, each time the footings are more secure. I know what I want, and I’m learning how to create it for myself. I’m learning how to ask for the right things. I know that the worst can only happen as long as I’m afraid. I know that I don’t need to be.
I know that if I can do it, you can do it, too.
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